By: Garbage and Haggleman Mondays
The Miami Heat won the 2012 NBA Championship last night. LeBron James and company silenced their critics (for now) and dismissed the Oklahoma City Thunder in only five games. Does this change anything? We shall see. Who benefited the most from this result? Who took a huge step back after last night’s game? Why won’t Erik Spoelstra turn his hat around? Read on for the Winners and Losers from the NBA Finals.
Winner: LeBron James
He finally got the monkey off his back. Years of waiting, choking, saying FU to an entire city, James will have until November to hold his head high. Flaunt that ring and be the biggest douche you can be because no one can take this away from you, LBJ.
Loser: LeBron James
And yet, 99% of the public’s opinion on him remains unchanged. His “not one, not two, not three…” speech still emanates with us. This isn’t the end all-be all for LeBron. He’s a head case, and cares deeply about how he’s perceived. More titles will mean less criticism. It’s like that for anyone. The hate is far from over. And his hair will never grow back.
He’ll always be a loser. It’s not about the Decision, or the Block Party, or that f*cking infuriating gif above. It’s about the man behind all of it. This is a guy who had teams fruitlessly spending money and time to recruit him in actual pitches when he knew all along where he was headed. He’s someone who complained about how accurately the Decision was covered even though everything involved in the Decision was pretty much his decision. He calls himself “King James” in text messages. Seriously.
Just because he’s got a title now doesn’t mean you need to “appreciate” him. He’s already appreciated. Everyone considers him the best player in the NBA. That doesn’t mean you have to consider him a f*cking demi-god too. He’s still the same asshole he always was, only with a shiny ring that will be in your face forever.
Winner: Juwan Howard
Howard lost 48 consecutive games against Julio
Little known fact: Juwan Howard’s camp counselor was once Jesus Christ. He’s old. He had never won anything in his life, besides this dance contest.
Loser: Skip Bayless
Die.
Oh I get it, he’s holding a brick. Too bad it’s not a grenade.
Bayless’ gimmick had two legs to stand on: LeBron James choking and Tim Tebow breathing. With LeBron an NBA champion, Bayless can’t beat the dead horse anymore. Oh sure, he’ll try, but if he tries to bash James now, it’ll be met with more headshaking than there already was. Also, if you actually watch First Take, chug a bottle of poison and jump off a bridge. I hate you.
Winner: Lil Wayne
Die twice.
Your favorite team this week won a title. Congratulations, f*ckface.
Loser: Chris Bosh
He used to be so likeable in Toronto. Now? He’s GIF fuel. Can you do ANYTHING normal?! This reminds me of something:
LOOK AT THAT. I mean, I know a ton of booze is going to be wasted in championship celebrations, but what in the hell is Bosh doing? You NEVER pour it on yourself, because (1) you look like an idiot with no friends, and (2) you get that shit in your eyes and it stings. But just look at Bosh’s orgasmic face. It’s haunting.
Winner: Kevin Durant
😥 Sorry your entire team DERP’d the Finals. Sure, he didn’t have the best performance in the Finals, but that’s in part to his teammates forgetting he existed (LOOKING AT YOU, THABO). Maybe this is what the Durantula needed. Next season he’s going to go all Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter on the NBA. Or Shoot ‘Em Up, whatever ridiculous movie you prefer.
Loser: ESPN
Where do I begin?
- Stuart Scott talking to LeBron James then asking where LeBron James was
- Stu striking again with this horrible handshake attempt with Mike “Mac” Miller
- The worst pregame show ever produced, and that’s including NFL Sunday Countdown, anything on FOX, and that two hour “Walking the Wire” special with Hannah Storm. Stop trying to be TNT. They are funny and people like them. You are, well, four sacks of shit.
I’d disrepect Broussard too, Shaq
- “My sources are telling me that Miami won the NBA championship last night” – Chris Broussard, probably.
- Magic Johnson said this year’s FIVE GAME NBA Finals was one of the best, ever. What horribly low standards he has. His raging boner for LeBron made me nauseous. We get it, you’re happy for the guy. Nobody cares that he tweeted at you over the off-season asking for help. WHAT A GUY!
- Doris Burke’s face
Barf.
Winner: Dwyane Wade
Wade now has 2 titles. But he’s not listed as a “winner” for that. He’s a winner for “Biggest Asshole in the Universe.”
Loser: Dwyane Wade
Technically, Wade won last night. But he’s always a loser to me. For too long, everyone liked Dwyane Wade. I don’t know if I was too smart for him, or I just look for the worst in people (probably the latter), but I saw right through that act. He’s always been the NBA leader in “OMG THIS HURTS SO BAD GOSH I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN PLAY OH LOOK HAHA TOO SLOW I JUST DUNKED ON YOU OH NO I’M HURTING TRYING TO PLAY DEFENSE HERE HEY HE STOLE IT PASS TO ME DUNK ON YOU AGAIN HAHA OH GOSH THAT REALLY HURTS NOW”. Well, now people are starting to see that level of fake-ness along with me. They also see his whining to the officials, his intimidation of his poor little coach, and outright tackling of other players on the court.
He’s a first rate prick, and the worst part is, he won’t own up to it. I’d have respect for him if he went heel, and completely accepted his position as All-Star asshole. The weakness of the Heat, however, has always been that they want to be liked, and as long as they have Wade, they cannot and should not be liked.
Loser: Jeff Van Gundy
If you listened to this peon during the playoffs, he was Miami’s biggest fan. JVG deemed any call that could go either way in the Heat’s favor. If Super Nintendo Chalmers gave Kevin Durant a cheap shot, Van Gundy didn’t see anything wrong with it. He was openly pleading to be the Heat’s next coach. He said LeBron was one of the greatest passers in HISTORY. Poor lil’ guy will have to settle for hearing Mike Breen’s “BANG”-ing on AND OFF the court for another year. Heehee.
Winner: Mike Miller
For giving hope to meth addicts and guys who frequent adult toy stores at 10 a.m. on Tuesdays that THEY TOO can be world champions.
Loser: James Harden
Before the NBA Finals started, he was the hottest free agent going into the off-season. As the NBA’s 6th Man, Harden would start for any other team…until he played this series. The bearded wonder was atrocious in the Finals. He couldn’t shoot, guard LeBron, or do much of anything besides turnovers, bricks, and missed layups at the worst possible times. Also losers? People with unfunny beard jokes.
Winner: Shane Battier
Battier celebrates with his best friends: 2 leather chairs
I don’t know what you were on during the Finals, Shane, but I want it. As long as it doesn’t give me your misshaped head.
Winner: The Backwards Hat
“YOLO!”
Erik Spoelstra wasted no time last night rocking the backwards hat during the trophy presentation. Some What Are Do research revealed that this WAS NOT the first time Spoelstra pulled this off. I give you Exhibit A from 2006:
Once a bro, always a bro (Spoelstra, third from the right)
Loser: America
It’s been a sad day.
What Are Do 
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