Posted by: jeezysanchez | August 13, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings *Gold Medal Edition*

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

We did it. USA won the gold medal in basketball. Gold Digging complete. In the scariest, and best game of the Olympics, the United States edged out Spain 107-100, winning a gold and giving Spain a silver medal in back to back Olympics.

Despite Juan-Carlos Navarro’s ability to shoot while simultaneously looking like he’ll sell you street meat in NYC, the Americans charged out to an eight point lead behind Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant’s hot shooting early (Durant had 12 in the first quarter). I don’t know how anyone could keep their composure with THE Vin Diesel in the building. Vin, do you agree?

If you loved whistles every 15 seconds, then this game was for you. THIRTY TWO fouls were called in the first half alone. Foul trouble killed any chance Team USA had for establishing a rhythm, and the same could be said for Spain. Marc Gasol and his yellow sneakers were dominating until he was forced to the bench with 4 fouls in the first half. Then we got called for bogus calls like this:

The game was a heavyweight bout. USA and Spain traded leads all the way into the third quarter before Team USA went ahead and survived the Spanish Inquisition. There was trash-talking from the start, technical fouls, unsportsmanlike fouls, and a whole bunch of bitching; and that was just from Tyson Chandler. Despite 41 points from the Gasol Bros. and 21 from Navarro, Team USA kept their cool, counted on the superstars when we needed them most, and won the gold for the second time in as many Olympics. WHOOP WHOOP indeed.

USA didn’t blow out Spain, and it might cause people to think less of this gold medal. They shouldn’t. Basketball has never been better globally (except in Nigeria, they suck) and the United States got the world’s best effort and came out on top. Who knows if this Team USA would beat the Dream Team, mainly because that’s a stupid question that stupid sportswriters ask. Watching Team USA play for their country and not for a paycheck should be a reminder that Dwyane Wade, who thinks he should be paid to play in the Olympics, is the worst. As a nation, we can all agree on that. All I know is, this team was really fun to watch, and it made me like LeBron. There, I said it. I like LeBron. Congratulations, Universe.

F*** Dwyane Wade though.

The medal ceremony was special, as Team USA donned their American leather jackets. The second most ridiculous clothing choice after Russia’s jackets.

The team headed back to the hotel. Carmelo got a head start on the partying…

Then Ludacris, who is team manager at this point, tweeted this:

I gotchu, Luda.

Then came the club. Cue the Carmelo Anthony hammered with rappers picture…

London 2012 has proved Rappers ❤ the Olympics.

So we finally have the gold medal. All that’s left is to examine how the final Team USA Power Ranking shook out:

  1. LeBron James – The best player in the world on the best team in the world. Point blank period. Previous Ranking: 1 


    This, forever.

  2. Kevin Durant – The best scorer in the world. Durant saved our asses, almost as much as LeBron did. In reality he should be 1A. Set an Olympics record for points scored in a single tournament. Good on you, Durantula. [does the Durant Shimmy] PR: 2 

    I love everything.

  3. Carmelo Anthony – What a tournament this guy had. From his 37 point game against Nigeria, to his ball-tap and WHOOP WHOOP against Argentina. When the Knicks get swept in the playoffs next year, it won’t be his fault. PR: 3 

    That flag never left his sight the rest of the evening.

    Thank god for that towel.

  4. Chris Paul – CP3 was clutch this summer. He scored when we needed it, and did he ever against Spain. Be sure to tell Blake Griffin how much fun you had. Often. PR: 5 


  5. Kevin Love – The biggest surprise of the Olympics was how Kevin Love developed into a top 5 player for this team. A WHITE GUY! PR: 4 

    Somebody take this man’s picture.

  6. Kobe Bryant – [grits teeth] Kobe played really well against Spain in both Olympics. He was probably saving his best for last. Best of luck to him. [punches wall] PR: 6 

    That hug is a little too long for my liking.

  7. Russell Westbrook – His ankle injury didn’t seem to bother him, but his scoring decreased as the games went on. He still played tenacious defense and provided a spark off the bench. I lost 20 bucks though. I didn’t think he’d actually keep that Mohawk the entire Olympics. PR: 8 

    Beat Miami next year, please.

  8. Deron Williams – His Instagram game was on point this summer. PR: 7 

    Who said the Nets could never win anything?

  9. Tyson Chandler –At first I didn’t think you belonged on the team. Then you played a few games and I still didn’t. Now you have a gold medal. Go Knicks? PR: 10 

    Cute couple.

  10. Andre Iguodala – His best game was his first. I had high hopes for Iggy this summer, but there were just too many forwards ahead of him. Have a nice time in Denver. PR: 9 

    “We’ll never trade you, Andre” – America

  11. James Harden – The Beard was just happy to be there. PR: 11 

    Abe Lincoln’s Dream

  12. Anthony Davis – It would have been nice to see the Brow play in a close game in the Olympics, but he was only here to carry luggage around. The poor guy had the ball at the end of the game until Chris Paul “ran at me quick and wanted the ball – that kind of ruined the moment. I was going to throw it in the air.” Bummer, man. PR: 12 

    2 Championships. 1 Eyebrow.

With that said, where do we go from here? In 2016, the Olympics head to Brazil, home of Fab Melo (He better be on that national team). We’ve seen the last of Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Boeheim and the rest of the coaching staff. Thanks for two great Olympics Coach K. And a special thank you for this GIF:

Peace Out

  • Kobe Bryant – He’s a threat to young female Olympians.
  • Tyson Chandler – Fat chance.

Doubt It

  • LeBron James – Only if Michael Jordan comparisons haven’t stopped by then.
  • Chris Paul – Injury prone, and in 2016, he’ll be coming off his 2nd title with the New York Knicks #jokes
  • Deron Williams – He’s got two gold medals, and the US has a plethora of guards.
  • Andre Iguodala – Nah.


  • Kevin Durant – He’ll be even better by 2016, so it’s hard not to see him come back. However, will it be worth it? If KD wants to be compared to LeBron and MJ, he might want to consider returning.
  • James Harden – If everyone’s ACL explodes…
  • Carmelo Anthony – Melo LOVES the Olympics more than anyone else. I could see him demand a spot on the roster. I would back this 200%

Bring Your Passport

  • Anthony Davis – We’ll need some bigs in 2016. Don’t go anywhere near Greg Oden.
  • Kevin Love – HAS to come back. He’s our nation’s best white guy.
  • Russell Westbrook – The least likely of the three, but he IS crazy…

It’s been a fun couple of months, and I’m really glad USA won gold because these posts would have looked pretty stupid if they hadn’t. See you in Rio.


  1. […] a gold medal, an NBA MVP, an NBA Finals MVP, and most importantly, the number one spot on Gold Diggers. The transformation has indeed been the stuff of […]

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