Posted by: jeezysanchez | August 1, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 8.1.12

Going into their game with Tunisia [googles ‘Tunisia’], Team USA was 55 point favorites. Even Mike D’Antoni couldn’t screw that up. But we won 110-63, so why the long face? Oh, what’s that? We were LOSING to them halfway through the first quarter? AND their head coach wore skinny jeans?

Whoops.

The starting lineup (especially Kobe and Chandler) sleepwalked through the first quarter, giving up fast break dunks (really) and played lazy defense. On offense, they continued their usual jack-up-threes-because-they-have-to-go-in strategy to no avail. To Tunisia’s credit, they played a matchup zone defense that really confused us for a while, and if it wasn’t past Jim Boeheim’s bedtime, he could have been a huge asset to solving it.

Coach K was not having it and decided to pull a “Ms. McKay Line Change” for all the D2 fanatics out there. In came Carmelo Anthony and crew, and the lead began to grow in the second quarter, with the US holding a pathetic 13 point lead at halftime. The second half started with that second team, and all they did was almost drop a 40 burger in the third quarter, blowing the doors off the “Tune Squad” and turning the game into NBA Jam.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 30, 2012

What Are Tunes: No Diggity, No Doubt

I recently read this Bon Appetit article about Rick Ross’ eating habits. It is fascinating.

I order three entrées that I know I’m not gonna finish, and save the lobster bisque for the following morning

Frankly, I’m surprised Ricky’s limit is three entrees.

I love Italian, but I may wake up in the middle of the day and want some tacos

You “may” want some tacos? Or you “always” want some tacos?

Dessert? Get you a honey bun and put a slice of cheese on it. Put it in the microwave for 45 seconds and you had the gift of a lifetime.

Why doesn’t this man have a reality show yet? Better question: Why isn’t this man dead yet?

I ain’t gonna lie; I love that cheese.

Famous last words.

(via: Bon Appetit)

Look closely at that picture. Yep, that’s a tattoo of a president on each titty. Wonderful.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 30, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 7.30.12

Tony Parker probably wishes Drake threw that bottle a little harder so he wouldn’t be able to see that whooping the USA put on France yesterday. Despite the worst first quarter ever to happen in Olympic basketball (probably), Team USA ran those Frenchies out of the gym in a 27 point victory that impressed everyone but asshole sportswriters. The scoring was balanced, with Kevin Durant leading the way with 22 points. France had an NBA starting lineup, even though you could probably only recognize Tony Parker, even with his doggles. They couldn’t hit a three to save their lives, a rarity from European teams, and Team USA took advantage.

Get some.

It’s amazing we beat them by so much, with France, despite its #12 world ranking, being the consensus #2 team in the Olympics according to resident dickhole and basketball know-it-all, Seth Davis. After the game, Michelle Obama had the unenviable duty of hugging every sweaty hog on Team USA (EVEN BOEHEIM!).

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Posted by: Haggleman Mondays | July 27, 2012

Fun Friday: Weekend TV Preview

Hey, the Olympics are here. It’s kind of exciting, I guess. I can’t tell you how many times in the past four years I stopped to think, “man, I’m really jonesing for some competitive swimming.” Or, “damn, I could really throw some f***ing hammers right about now.” I bet a lot of you out there feel the same. Thankfully, our thirst for the Summer Olympics will be quenched starting tonight with the opening ceremonies.

I do realize that some of you out there aren’t the sporty type, and you aren’t really into things like diving, running, jumping and javelin-ing. That’s why I’m here, to help you guys out there who are looking for something other than the games in London on the TV.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 26, 2012

The What Are Do Olympics

The 2012 Summer Olympics are here. With it comes a sense of patriotism, watching these athletes who have dedicated their lives to winning a gold medal, compete against the world’s best. We’ve seen Olympic sports get added and dropped over the years, whether it’s due to popularity, financial reasons, or racism (the popular Honky Race was dropped from the games after the Civil Rights movement. Bet you didn’t know that). Sports like baseball and football are not in the Olympics, but table tennis and shooting a gun could earn you a gold medal.

The modern Olympics are nice and all, but they need some spicing up to really generate interest these days. I mean, I love getting up at 4 a.m. to watch Olympic field hockey on Bravo as much as the next guy, but it’s time for a change. Here are SEVEN new sports that I think would benefit the Olympics greatly. While reading this, just remember, Tug-of-War was once an Olympic sport, so these ideas AREN’T AS CRAZY AS YOU THINK.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 25, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 7.25.12

Moments before an all-out brawl

Who would have guessed this?

After narrowly escaping Argentina, many folks like me thought Spain was going to be the team to beat Team USA, either last night or in the Gold Medal game. We took care of the meaningless Spain game; beating the Fightin’ Gasols 100-78 and finishing exhibition play undefeated at 5-0. In what was a home game for the Spaniards, USA was down quickly in the 1st quarter but towards the middle of the 2nd, they never looked back. Behind the lights out shooting of Carmelo Anthony and the unstoppable force that is LeBron James, it proved to be too much for Spain.

STOP WITH THE TROPHIES!

Sure, the Spaniards were without Marc Gasol, who will play in the Olympics, and Ricky Rubio, who trash talked Kevin Love even though he’s out with an ACL injury (Love got the last laugh).

Pau Gasol said that Spain was going to hold back against Team USA, which is obviously something a person says who expects to get blown out of the gym. The rematch will be much closer, that’s a guarantee, but Team USA showed that their best game is far and away better than the next best team’s game. I’m no color expert but when I think of the Spanish flag, I think of ALL BLUE jerseys.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 23, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 7.23.12

Chris Paul is taking this patriotism thing a little too far.

19-3. That was the score between USA and Argentina in the opening minutes of the 1st quarter, USA leading. The Americans couldn’t miss. Team USA hit their first 7 field goals. It was going to be a rout, until the 3’s stopped going in.

Game on.

USA saw their 20 point lead dwindle to single digits by the 4th quarter before narrowly escaping a loss in a game where they were 28 point favorites. Kevin Durant led the way with 27 points. Kobe Bryant chipped in 18. Argentina played hard. Luis Scola’s hard fouls and complaining made the Miami Heat look like saints. The #3 team in the world held their own against the United States, led by that guy from Perfect Strangers. On the bright side, those throwbacks are DY-NO-MITE.

WAD Approved.

Team USA has some glaring problems, notably their lack of size inside and their constant stretches where they fall in love with the three. Tyson Chandler has to play much better, especially against the Gasols on Tuesday. Spain is going to be the toughest game until the semi-finals of the Olympics. Team USA got pushed to the limit by Argentina. Let’s hope this is finally the wake up call they needed.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 20, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 7.20.12

Team USA in Barcelona. Or as the Spaniards refer to them, “Los Diablos”

Answer: Tea, The Office, and getting their asses kicked by Americans.

Question: What are three things the British are known for?

When I saw Luol Deng trot out for Great Britain, I knew we were in for a good ‘ol fashioned butt-whooping, courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue. Coach K shuffled the starting lineup, opting for Kevin Durant and Deron Williams over Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul, and the result? Nothing. The starting 5 came out sluggish and the USA never got to a commanding lead until late in the 1st half.

After halftime, Team USA shot lights out and turned the game into a run-and-gun dunk fest. That’s exactly what we like. LeBron and Melo played solid, while Deron Williams and Russell Westbrook were pleasant surprises. Even the Brow scored 11 points and probably blocked your momma if he could.

Great Britain was about as good as their jerseys looked: BAD. However, it was a nice tuneup before two games against the 2nd and 3rd best teams in the world, Argentina and Spain. Time to kick the tires and light the fires.

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Posted by: Haggleman Mondays | July 20, 2012

Sad Friday: Weekend Preview

I left out a picture this week because I wanted to touch on a heavy subject and I just couldn’t justify leading the way with an animal getting crunk. Though I do recognize that that kind of thing could help bring some much needed cheer in an otherwise difficult time.

It is a sad day. I could try to skate around what happened in Colorado and just give you the weekend TV schedule, send you on your way and tell you to come back real soon. I don’t want to do that. I’m trying to build up a solid foundation of readers and I don’t want to come across as phony. Despite the goofy code names and the anything goes style of writing, we are real people with real emotions. And today we are sad.

What sort of a person would do this? What would motivate such a horrific act?

I don’t know the answers to these questions and I won’t pretend to. What I do know is that you’re about to hear everyone come out of the woodwork who thinks that they know. You’ll hear gun control and the 2nd Amendment being ballyhooed, and you’ll hear people blaming parents, people blaming culture, and most importantly, people blaming violent movies and video games.

But before the great debate and blame game start, I’d just like to point out an unfortunately timely quote from our favorite butler from The Dark Knight, which may be as telling as anything else you’re about to hear:

“Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

Maybe it’s as simple as that. Maybe despite all we do to search for a crack and an explanation, we won’t find an answer, because unfortunately there aren’t any. Let’s remember during this time that the true tragedy is what occurred in that theater in Aurora, and those searching hardest for answers are the families and loved ones affected by what happened. Our thoughts are with them today.

Televisions will be on throughout the weekend across the country, and if you’re looking for a break from news coverage, here’s what will be on elsewhere.

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Posted by: jeezysanchez | July 18, 2012

Men Without Hats: Golf’s Ugly Secret

No, this isn’t a post about “The Safety Dance.” Although since I brought it up, why not play that video while you read?

It’s British Open time! That means watching golf in the rain at 4 in the morning and Rick Reilly making puns about England. Control your excitement, people. All week you’ve heard lazy sportswriters (Reilly included) pick Tiger Woods to win the Claret Jug just so they can copy and paste their gutsy predictions from every other major tournament. I won’t bore you because I already know who’s going to win the British Open…SOMEBODY ELSE.

That’s not why I’m here though. There’s a much more pressing issue at hand. Have you noticed during a golf broadcast when they show headshots of certain golfers? None of these guys ever wear hats in these photos, which gives us a rare look at the guy underneath the cap. These guys look like shit. Every last one of ’em.

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