Posted by: jeezysanchez | August 11, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 8.11.12

Third time’s a charm. Well, the first and second times were too. Two days after witnessing “Kobe Face” we got something WAY better: “Melo Mean Mug.”

Carmelo was unconscious in the fourth quarter, hitting four threes and killing Argentina for good. Ginobili and crew wouldn’t go away for much of the game, and whenever Team USA got up by double digits, Argentina went on a run. It wasn’t until Durant and Anthony, in the third and fourth quarters respectively, were unstoppable from downtown.

We were only up seven at halftime, and like always, Team USA played sloppy against a zone in the first half, only to wear down their opponent and eventually beat the living shit out of them. It should be our slogan. Final score? USA 109, Argentina 83, Nut Shots 0.

Unfortunately, for me and Doug Collins, we won’t be seeing a USA-Russia gold medal game, 40 years after the 1972 screw job. Instead, we get the 2nd best team in the country, Spain, who have set basketball back several decades in their last few games, scoring in the 60’s and 70’s. We beat them in a meaningless exhibition without one half of Gasol Bros, Inc., so take that win with a grain of salt. Sunday’s game will be much tougher and far more physical. USA will need to counteract Spain’s size by shooting it well from the outside. Spain will no doubt play zone, which means Jim Boeheim needs to contribute, despite his best efforts not to this summer.

In 2008, we needed Kobe Bryant to play out of his mind to win against Spain in the gold medal match. I pray we don’t let it get to that point tomorrow. If you didn’t hate the Gasol Bros. before, you’ll most definitely want to kill them during this game. LeBron better play all 40 minutes. Last game of the year, Coach K, can’t hold anything back.

  1. LeBron James – The key to winning a gold medal. He needs to be in “F U” mode from the tip. Previous Ranking: 1 

    Pau is soooo dead.

  2. Kevin Durant – If LeBron is number 1, KD is 1A. Shoot the rock, Durant. Then get your dance on at the medal ceremony. PR: 2 

    Power Ranking of Things Kevin Durant Does: 1. Dancing 2. Shooting 3. Dunking 4. Acting in Thunderstruck

  3. Carmelo Anthony – Melo was on fire in the fourth quarter, hitting from everywhere. He is a streaky shooter, but if someone can spark a run against Spain’s zone, he’s our guy. PR: 3 

    Seriously, go back and watch him mean mug.

  4. Kevin Love – Nobody does white guy basketball things like our white guy basketball player. PR: 4
  5. Chris Paul – Why hasn’t anyone told me that Chris Paul has been spending his time off the court on the set of Fast 6? PR: 5 
  6. Kobe Bryant – Surprisingly, Kobe rode his hot streak against Australia into the first quarter against Argentina, scoring double digits in the opening ten minutes. Then he was awful again. Catch-22. PR: 7 


  7. Deron Williams – He really likes to shoot 3’s. Now making them? That’s another story. PR: 6
  8. Russell Westbrook – Went down with a bad looking ankle injury in the second half. Word is that he’ll be ready to go against Spain. Fingers crossed. PR: 8
  9. Andre Iguodala – He was shipped off to Denver in the Dwight Howard trade hours before the game. I hope somebody bought Andre an ice cream cone or something; he’s having a tough summer. PR: 9
  10. Tyson Chandler – One hundred bucks to every What Are Do reader if Tyson Chandler logs more than 20 minutes in a game where his size will be desperately needed. I’ll take my chances with Chris Paul at center. PR: 11 

    He did it!

  11. James Harden – How’s your summer been? PR: 10
  12. Anthony Davis – If he can just convert ONE dunk, he’ll pass Chandler. Until then, go get my bags, Rook. PR: 12

Next game: 8/12 vs. Spain. Gold medal on the line, rematch of the 2008 Olympic final, and the Gasol brothers are dicks. Bring home the gold, USA. We need more Marc Gasol face.

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