Posted by: jeezysanchez | August 9, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 8.9.12

Team USA LOVES McDonald’s oatmeal

When we last left Team USA, everyone in the Olympics was getting punched in the balls. Not much has changed since then. Thanks for keeping it real, Nicholas Batum.

The United States met Australia in the quarterfinals of the elimination round. It should have been a cake walk, but then again, you never know with this team. Led by Patty Mills and the rest of St. Mary’s, Australia played physical and did well enough on the offense to keep it close into the third quarter. The refs blew the whistle nearly every possession, with the US benefitting most of the time, but not all of it. 51 fouls were called. Me thinks that’s a bit much. The game had the rhythm of a Skrillex song. Team USA could never get into a flow and pile up scoring runs. Team USA woke up, started getting steals on back-to-back possessions, and a seven point lead ballooned to a thirty point lead in a matter of minutes. USA won 119-86.

Garbage and Haggleman courtside

Oh and Kobe Bryant was a god damn mess. In the first half at least. He went scoreless in the opening 20 minutes, chucking up contested shots, making boneheaded plays, and getting burned by Australia’s average guards quite often. Twitter was not happy with the Black Mamba.

“Yeah, it’s pretty much this big…”

Coach K eventually sent him to the pine, but gave him another chance in the second half, to which he stumbled out of the gate before draining six threes and sparking the 35 point fourth quarter that led to a USA blowout. “Kobe Face” made an appearance, and despite his ineptitude for much of the game, everyone will forget that and remember his 20 point second half. The problem with this is, instead of getting the best players the ball, Kobe is going to continue to hoist up bad shots at bad times because he hit a few in a row. After the game, when asked if Kobe was the best post player on the team, he answered, of course, “Yes.” Kobe is the worst.

OH YEAH, LeBron f***ed around and got a triple-double, no biggie.

On to the semifinals where will see Argentina for the third time in 20 days. It’s going to be a very physical game, and if the last time they faced off is any indication, it’ll be real chippy. On the other side of the bracket, Spain will battle Russia. I’m rooting for Russia, mostly to dust off a ton of jokes from the Cold War era.

  1. LeBron James – LeBron is the best player at every position for Team USA. His triple-double (the first in Olympic history) wasn’t even that hard for him. He needs to be the man the next two games if we want that Gold Medal. Previous Ranking: 2 

    I thought for sure Carmelo would blow it.

  2. Kevin Durant – Nothing flashy, just effective. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’m willing to bet that a Durant three has been our first bucket every game. PR: 1 

    Durant on the bench > Durant not on the bench

  3. Carmelo Anthony – Melo quietly scored 17 and if not for LeBron and KD being Monstars amongst men, #15 would be the star. PR: 3 

    I HAD to put this picture somewhere, right?

  4. Kevin Love – He got a double-double which kind of sucks now that LeBron gets those by the halftime. Still, K. Love has been the team’s biggest surprise, and should be able to get his against Argentina. PR: 5
  5. Chris Paul – Get your ball slapping hand ready, CP3. PR: 4 


  6. Deron Williams – Had a very good game, and when Kobe is derping, it seems like Coach K goes with the Chris Paul/Deron Williams backcourt to settle things down. Williams really is a SG so it seems to work. PR: 8
  7. Kobe Bryant – I’ve said my peace on Kobe earlier. PR: 7 


  8. Russell Westbrook – Two back to back games where he wasn’t able to turn defense into offense. I have a good feeling that Argentina is going to get a heavy dose of Westbrook. PR: 6
  9. Andre Iguodala – After an excellent performance vs. Argentina, I figured he was due for some big minutes in the first half with Kobe blowing, but alas, Coach K <3’s Kobe. PR: 9
  10. James Harden – Nice dunk. PR: 10
  11. Tyson Chandler – Chandler played 9 minutes and got into foul trouble early, again. But he managed to squeeze two GIFs out of the game. PR: 12



  12. Anthony Davis – With two games left in the Olympics, I don’t think we’re going to see the Brow play any meaningful minutes. We could still see some redonk blowout dunks, so fingers crossed. PR: 11

Next game: 8/10 vs. Argentina. It’s nut punchin’ time.

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