Posted by: jeezysanchez | August 5, 2012

Gold Diggers: Team USA Power Rankings 8.5.12

83 points.

USA beat Nigeria by 83 points! The final score was 156-73! America hit 29 3-pointers! Carmelo Anthony set a USA record with 37 points and 10 threes! We shot a scorching 71% from the field! I’M RUNNING OUT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS! Team USA, or really any team, has never played a better game offensively, EVER. People were cheering at the highlights of the game in a bar hours after the game. It was THAT good of a performance. Granted, Nigeria made an odd request to play the Benny Hill theme whenever they had the ball.

Lithuania must have been crapping their pants, right?

Nope. USA lives and dies by the three point shot. Against Nigeria, they couldn’t miss. Against Lithuania, they couldn’t come close. We shot a woeful 30% from 3 (we shot 63% versus Nigeria). Missed free throws nearly cost us the game and for a 20 minute stretch, Kevin Love forgot how to shoot them. Literally. Lithuania played smart, gave us the three and executed in the half court. Coach K’s biggest priority is defense, and Team USA didn’t play a lick of it. It might be wise, after not practicing on two straight off-days, to make the guys run some drills before playing beach volleyball and trying to understand Olympic swimming. Right LeBron?

Argentina is our last game in pool play. USA got the scare they needed from Lithuania, and after a six point win two weeks ago, we need to take Scola and Ginobili out to the woodshed.

The rest of pool play hasn’t followed the script we were all expecting. Spain lost to Russia and hasn’t looked good the whole tournament. Team USA will likely see Pau, Marc, and Serge Gasol in the semis now. A rematch of the 1972 Screw Job against the Soviets is a very real possibility. These colors don’t run.

  1. Carmelo Anthony – Melo scored those 37 points against Nigeria in only FOURTEEN minutes. He followed that up with 20 against Lithuania, although Kobe somehow earned the right to play the crucial minutes instead of him. Durant is the best scorer, but there’s something about foreign guys with names that are difficult to pronounce that ignites Carmelo. My favorite Melo moment happened in the Nigeria game, but it had nothing to do with his 37 points and everything to do with what he said grabbing a rebound: “I GOT THIS SHIT, GET OUTTA HERE K. LOVE!” I love Carmelo. PR: 2 

    Got Milk?

  2. LeBron James – LBJ barely played in the Nigeria game. The same could be said for Lithuania until the 4th quarter when we needed him. LeBron likes to distribute in the Olympics because he has real teammates, not a bunch of Joel Anthony’s. When Durant and Kobe jacked up ill-advised threes, LeBron bulled his way into the paint and won us the game. Stop making me like you. PR: 3 

    AMERICA

  3. Kevin Durant – Durant is a consistent scorer thus far. He still gets about 14-16 points on off nights. His celebrations continue to be #1 in all of our hearts. PR: 1 

    Everything about this is great.

  4. Russell Westbrook – His 21 point performance against Nigeria was overshadowed by Carmelo’s dominance, but Westbrook is truly one of the best players on this team after the big three. PR: 4 

    USA just trolling…

  5. Kevin Love – A great game vs. Nigeria was soured by a derpfest at the free throw line against Lithuania. He simply forgot how to shoot. It was like when Charles Barkley played pick-up ball in Space Jam. [Cue ‘Basketball Jones’] PR: 5 

    Get out of there, K. Love

  6. Chris Paul – CP3 doesn’t score much, but he nailed a HUGE three when Lithuania had us on the ropes. PR: 7
  7. Deron Williams – D-Will had his chances to hit a big shot against Lithuania but couldn’t do it. Paul is going to play the final minutes of close games. PR: 6
  8. Kobe Bryant – Against Nigeria, he shot it, played defense and had a pretty little dunk. Against Lithuania, he bricked it, played NO defense, and didn’t contribute a thing. Kobe looks like he’s just here to watch tennis. PR: 8 

    YOU ARE THE WORST!

  9. James Harden – Oh, James. PR: 10 

    Oof.

  10. Andre Igoudala – 3 fouls in 3 minutes vs. Lithuania. He’s got to stop hanging around Tyson Chandler. PR: 12
  11. Anthony Davis – He forgot his jersey in the first half against Nigeria and didn’t see the court against Lithuania. And he’s STILL ranked ahead of… PR: 9 

    We’re the three best friends that anyone could have…

  12. Tyson Chandler – As unlikely as it sounds, he gets worse each game he plays. Chandler scored 2 points in a game where his teammates scored the other 154. We needed a defensive force against Lithuania and he managed 1 point in 8 minutes. Someone get Shawn Bradley on the phone. PR: 11

Next game: 8/6 vs. Argentina. This time it counts.


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