If you’ve followed this blog at all, you probably know we’re big fans of both Syracuse University Athletics and World Superstar and former Fresh Prince, Will Smith. So it’s an honor today that we’ve got him here to go through the Syracuse University Football Roster with us. When we last left Syracuse Football, they were busy finishing the egg-laying of the 2011 season. After a 5-2 start that included a 49-23 blitzing of eventual Orange Bowl Champ West Virginia, the Orange dropped 5 straight to finish up the year 5-7, missing out on a second straight bowl game. So how do the Orange look this season? Can they return to the winning side of .500? Win the Big East? Win a game? Read on.

Well, I guess this was inevitable. After almost a full summer of fantastic weekend television programming, we finally hit the doldrums. I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, this weekend is pretty rough. Here’s a video of a parrot doing a somersault and then playing bowling, golf, and basketball to help make things a little better.

 

Honestly, if you want to spend the day at the golf course or the local pool, I won’t think less of you. Let’s get into the schedule.

Lebron James has had an important few months. The events of these last few months for ‘Bron have played out less like a train steaming its way down the tracks and more like a snowball rolling down a hill, growing ever larger and larger until it eventually bursts. When Lebron’s season started he was considered a phony, and a choke artist. He has now vanquished at least one of those demons.

Lebron’s transformation from choker to clutch didn’t happen overnight. Recall the snowball rolling downhill metaphor. Such an occurrence cannot be changed by one single event, but the momentum has been building and building in the last three months, and now we can confidently say that Lebron James is a clutch player. Consider: since June, Lebron has won an NBA Championship, a gold medal, an NBA MVP, an NBA Finals MVP, and most importantly, the number one spot on Gold Diggers. The transformation has indeed been the stuff of legends.

Little kids rapping is my second favorite thing after kittens falling asleep. When I came across Y.N.RichKids’ music video for “Hot Cheetos & Takis” I fell in love. Not with the kids, that’s creepy. Just picture a bunch of kids in a recording studio creating this masterpiece. There has to be footage of this. I will pay at least $10 to watch it. I can see it now:

Kid Rapper 1: Yo, I just thought of a DOPE line about the babysitter being a doodie head.

Kid Rapper 2: Throw it in after my verse about Barney.

Kid Producer: We creatin’ magic, people.

Me: [tears of joy]

/scene

If Odd Future and the Wiggles had a baby, it would be the Y.N.RichKids.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

We did it. USA won the gold medal in basketball. Gold Digging complete. In the scariest, and best game of the Olympics, the United States edged out Spain 107-100, winning a gold and giving Spain a silver medal in back to back Olympics.

Despite Juan-Carlos Navarro’s ability to shoot while simultaneously looking like he’ll sell you street meat in NYC, the Americans charged out to an eight point lead behind Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant’s hot shooting early (Durant had 12 in the first quarter). I don’t know how anyone could keep their composure with THE Vin Diesel in the building. Vin, do you agree?

Third time’s a charm. Well, the first and second times were too. Two days after witnessing “Kobe Face” we got something WAY better: “Melo Mean Mug.”

Carmelo was unconscious in the fourth quarter, hitting four threes and killing Argentina for good. Ginobili and crew wouldn’t go away for much of the game, and whenever Team USA got up by double digits, Argentina went on a run. It wasn’t until Durant and Anthony, in the third and fourth quarters respectively, were unstoppable from downtown.

We were only up seven at halftime, and like always, Team USA played sloppy against a zone in the first half, only to wear down their opponent and eventually beat the living shit out of them. It should be our slogan. Final score? USA 109, Argentina 83, Nut Shots 0.

Team USA LOVES McDonald’s oatmeal

When we last left Team USA, everyone in the Olympics was getting punched in the balls. Not much has changed since then. Thanks for keeping it real, Nicholas Batum.

The United States met Australia in the quarterfinals of the elimination round. It should have been a cake walk, but then again, you never know with this team. Led by Patty Mills and the rest of St. Mary’s, Australia played physical and did well enough on the offense to keep it close into the third quarter. The refs blew the whistle nearly every possession, with the US benefitting most of the time, but not all of it. 51 fouls were called. Me thinks that’s a bit much. The game had the rhythm of a Skrillex song. Team USA could never get into a flow and pile up scoring runs. Team USA woke up, started getting steals on back-to-back possessions, and a seven point lead ballooned to a thirty point lead in a matter of minutes. USA won 119-86.

Garbage and Haggleman courtside

Oh and Kobe Bryant was a god damn mess. In the first half at least. He went scoreless in the opening 20 minutes, chucking up contested shots, making boneheaded plays, and getting burned by Australia’s average guards quite often. Twitter was not happy with the Black Mamba.

USA took the train home and handed out Twizzlers to other passengers. Because of course they did.

You might have missed the first quarter of the game if you were watching Alex Morgan be the best. It was a tale of two halves. In the first half, USA and Argentina traded baskets at an alarming rate. Manu Ginobili did Manu Ginobili things and we could not stop the balding baller. Team USA led Argentina at halftime 60-59. We went on to win 125-97. The second half was all about turning up the defensive intensity. And Kevin Durant. His 28 points led the team and shot 8 of 10 from beyond the arc. Not to mention he hit one three from Scotland.

The game got heated at the end of the third quarter when Carmelo Anthony was hit below the belt by miniature person, Facundo Campazzo. It wasn’t completely unprovoked since Chris Paul did the EXACT same thing at the EXACT same spot on the court in the first half. In fact, both made their threes after being hit in the nuts, so there’s that. Coach K even went as far as getting in Luis Scola’s face when Scola left the bench to jaw with Team USA. There’s a very good chance we see Argentina again in the semis, and shit is going to go down you guys.

Video of the cheap shot is after the jump:

83 points.

USA beat Nigeria by 83 points! The final score was 156-73! America hit 29 3-pointers! Carmelo Anthony set a USA record with 37 points and 10 threes! We shot a scorching 71% from the field! I’M RUNNING OUT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS! Team USA, or really any team, has never played a better game offensively, EVER. People were cheering at the highlights of the game in a bar hours after the game. It was THAT good of a performance. Granted, Nigeria made an odd request to play the Benny Hill theme whenever they had the ball.

Lithuania must have been crapping their pants, right?

When you think of FOX, what comes to mind? The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Idol, Temptation Island? Jokes on that last one. Nothing will ever reach Simpsons territory, but in the early 2000’s, one show seemed poised to be a comedy television staple.

Then it got cancelled.